… to self love- loving yourself enough to have an overflowing sink of goodness that whenever life strikes you with toxicity- you is good for the go.
The vulnerability in this post is a madness, you guys realise that people are evil and would totally use your weaknesses against you right? So, put some respect on my vulnerability real quick please- thanks!
Right, self-love is essentially just self-kindess/self-worth. When I say self-love, I’m not promoting narcissism, I just want to clarify that again as if my last post wasn’t clear enough. Lol!
Also, when you see me make a reference to self-love/kindness/worth, assume that I mean all three in one because essentially that’s what it is; if you know your worth, you’ll learn to love yourself, when you love yourself, self-kindness just comes along for the ride too.
So, this may come as a shocker for some being the way I carry myself but I don’t have much of that self-love, self-kindness thing. In fact I think I have so little that I excessively rely on validation from others- which can mean it’s a roller coaster for me because as some of you guys may know, I’m a human, so I’m prone to making mistakes and the ratings are sometimes quite high but sometimes quite low. Sometimes I’m loved on, sometimes I’m disliked on, so considering that I wait on validation from others to feel ‘self love’, I would say if it were based on temperatures, I would consistently be fevered up. So you get the gist, it’s unhealthy to not fill your own tank of self love, and self esteem and to rely on others to do it for you.
I decided that the second part of this series should be on what the signs were for me, and how I came to the realisation of my lack of self-kindness. I feel like I want to be quite straight forward in my blogs let alone when speaking of such realities of mental imbalances because there is such a shyness or a stigma around speaking on such issues but not here- not on this platform! I’ll be talking on 3 main factors to my realisation of the lack of self-worth.
The biggest factor for me was the anxiety that I was dealing with. Being that anxiety is a feeling that is quite hard to describe, I’ll explain the lead up to it (bearing in mind that everyone’s mental health challenges looks different to each individual). Whether I was cool with the people in my life or not, I would some how make up these scenarios in my head as to why I should feel guilty over things that weren’t even the slightest bit true sometimes- but I would give myself a full account as to why I don’t deserve to be happy and that I am pretty selfish for not feeling guilty in that precise situation! Obviously this would then lead to me feeling immensely anxious and in my believing that I shouldn’t be allowed to live anymore should I have become this selfish to not feel any guilt. This is legit the harshness of my tone. If this alone isn’t an indicator of the lack then I don’t know what is! Oh, and of course all this stops when I speak to that person I’ve been thinking of and they’re totally fine with me because of course they would be- NOTHING HAPPENED! On the cases where something did happen and the thoughts are heightened even more so, I stop being so anxious once I know they’re normal with me again- which brings me to my second point; the need of validation from others.
Validation ruined my self-worth man, if only I picked up on it earlier. I’ll explain what I mean later on in this post but the way I lived for validation is seriously more unhealthy than my actual diet is! The need for others to validate me was driving me mad because I recognised that it was something that was going on but could not understand it intellectually until the piece of the puzzle was found- the lack of self-worth was the cause of it all! I needed the voice of others to help me love myself it’s as simple as that really. You know when your friend is feeling slightly discouraged about something and voices it but then you recognise that it’s not true and that they’re being quite harsh on themselves, so you then become that kind, loving voice of encouragement and uplift them to see reality that of course they are more than adequate in any given situations to do anything? Yeah, so that voice was what I was heavily reliant on to make me remotely like myself for a little moment until my head throws a thought at me that clings and I start believing all loads of poo again. Obviously needless to say this would naturally put a lot of strain on any relationship which is never a good thing of course!
Lastly, another factor that led me to the acknowledgment of my lack in self-love is depression. Of course depression comes in the form of many things so what mine looked like was that ‘I was not good enough’, ‘I was unloveable’, ‘I am always wrong’, you get the gist, just a whole load of self-doubt. Depression for me was my lack of worth, I clearly believed that I was not worthy to accept the nicer things about me because in my head they were simply not true. I didn’t believe in myself, there was this blockage that would be there in my life that would not let me see beyond my mistakes and flaws, it would not allow me to believe that I could actually be enough, or loved, or right. In basic terms, the lie of my “inadequacy” was what caused my depression.
When having that lack of self-love, what I think happens as the bigger picture is that you prevent yourself from growing into the person you could potentially be. I became so absent from dealing with the reality of all this and in result ended up falling into the pattern of not listening to my own wise thoughts. I needed validation on every aspect of my life -from what to eat to what I should do in the future. Someone else’s opinions on my choices was the over riding voice with EVERYTHING!
What this then means is that there was a massive amount of self-empowerment that I was withholding from myself- I became my own enemy of progress. That’s lack of self-love right there!
So, the coherent factor in all of this is that I was more concerned about others than I was about myself and the trouble is that I lost myself in the turbulence of that mentality. I believed for too long that I am only as good as someone says I am. So basically this post is to say screw everyone else (Obviously not in a narcissist way, don’t love yourself at the expense of others please, that’s not real self-love)- I’m doing me. My mental health is above everyone else and this DOES NOT make me selfish, it makes me wise. My mental well-being is my best friend right now. All I wanna do is be kind to myself to the point of self-serenity (I don’t know if you can actually say ‘self-serenity’ but over here we can! It’s a thing and it totally fits!), I just want to be free from the toxicity that I’ve faced and finally have big ol’ bite of peacefulness with my mental health.
I hope this has encouraged someone to look out for certain behaviours in themselves or to seek some professional advice if they’re facing anything similar.
Also, excuse my grammar errors please! Maf me please!
Anyways, until next time! Stay what?
Stay awake, stay alert, stay Bindipendent! x
ABOUT THE PHOTOGRAPHER
I got to work with the beautiful Shweta Shukla for this series of self-love- I saw her photography and fell in love with it instantly, she has established her own style and can see the passion in her eyes when she speaks of it. I’m totally biased because she is indeed a South Asian babe trying to do her thing in the creative field of Filmography & Photography and so there was that extra push to collaborate, and I loved every bit of it! Check out what she’s about and follow her blog too! Also check out her photos from the first part of this series too- she’s great!
Hi! I’m Shweta (pronounced sh-way-tha). I’m a 19 year old film student born in India, but raised in London. I aspire to be a filmmaker and photographer one day, ah how perfect would that be! I run a small blog for fun called ‘My Lifestyle Mantra’. I like to write about fashion, beauty, travel and my photography – it’s a blog with a bit of everything really!
So a bit about me first. I was born in India, and lived there for about a few years before moving to London. I come from a very cultural family. We love our festivals and celebrations. I speak hindi – not very fluent, but I know a good amount! At home I always speak hindi, I feel like it helps me improve on my mother tongue, as well as making sure I remember it. I am so in touch with my culture, and I am very proud to be from the south asian community. Call me a ‘freshie’ or whatever, but I’m proud of it! I love me some Bollywood films and music here and there. I feel like sometimes people are a bit embarrassed about showing off their culture. Scared that they may be stereotyped in a certain way, but I say LET IT SHINE.
If you see my blog, I really focus on getting good photos. Photography is such an important part of my life, and its no longer just a hobby, it’s a lifestyle. I naturally want to take photos, it’s not something I feel like is chore for me. I like to experiment with many different styles, especially with portrait photography. It’s funny because I hated portrait photography, but after studying photography at sixth form, I LOVE it. I study film and tv at university at the moment, and it’s really fun! The only downside, that I try not to let get to me, is when you tell some people what course you do. In particular, older people. I can hear the tone of judgement, like why is she studying film? Where is that going to get her? As much as I try to ignore it, it sometimes really gets to me. Don’t get me wrong, I will still continue to pursue my dreams, but I want those people to realise that not everyone has a dream of being a doctor, an engineer etc. Now you might be thinking, how does an Indian girl have parents that are letting her do film and tv?! Well I’m lucky to have parents who let me do what I want, and not what they want me to do. I have their 100% support, and they believe in me. I’m forever grateful for that, because I know people who are doing courses that they have zero interest in. What’s the point of that? Okay, this is just turning into a rant so I’ll stop there but make sure you come and have a look at what I get up to on my side of the green grass!