As some of you guys have realised, I deleted the post that came after ‘Let’s Talk, Pussy’. Events of that night unfolded itself after the blog was published and the situation was not entirely what I thought it was. So, in result, as a whole, I actually want to divert from talking about sexual harassment for now, as I feel like it has been too long of a gap. Instead what I wanted to talk about is forgiveness.
What does forgiving yourself look like? If any of you guys are like me, it takes a lifetime for me to forgive myself for the smallest of things let alone the big things. Like recently I was waiting for a friend to meet me and I was standing there thinking of all the horrible things I have said to my mum in the past, and suddenly I wanted to die with all the guilt that overcame in me- and I’m talking about things from arguments that we had when I was at secondary school! Please get the guilt levels here.
Recently I hurt someone really close to my heart and I’m having quite contradicting thoughts on it. On one hand if it were possible I would want to turn back time and not be the person I was then, however on the other hand, I do consider it a blessing. I’m always telling people ‘if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best’, you know that infamous Marilyn Monroe quote? Thats me. For me this quote does not promote walking around like your poo don’t stink, acting like an absolute inconsiderate bum, and expecting people to still be around unless your Marilyn Monroe of course. Neither is this quote intended to be an indirect approach for the person I hurt to accept my flaws or sod off. It’s not an ultimatum. Not at all.
What I am saying is that I find it funny that I’ve always used that quote but never quite understood myself enough for me to use such a thing. I know what my ‘best’ is as for now, but do I really know what my ‘worst’ is? How can you really tell what your worst is if your insecurities haven’t had a chance to flare up and show you who’s really in control? Too many times than not I’ve had insecurities revealed to me and I’ve rushed the process of healing and actually what that’s done is put that back into the bank of insecurities so that it can later come in the form of my ‘worst’.
Sorry if I’m confusing anyone. I’m quite a self reflective person and I know that I’ve done wrong when I’ve done wrong, well at least I like to think that I do. So, with all this that happened, I’ve obviously been thinking about it over and over again. The more I think about it the more I acknowledge that actually this isn’t my worst, it can be worse- I am highly capable of being a monster should I continue to hurry my journey of understanding myself in my worst display of character so far. I think this can go for anyone though, I think we are all quite capable of being monsters in our own ways.
I hope I’ve explained a little bit more of why I feel like it’s quite a blessing that I’ve been able to see me be at my worst as of yet. I’m learning a new layer of me that of which I do not recognise. Sucks that it was with my dearest that I’m learning such lessons.
Anyways, so lets talk journey. As soon as it happened I quickly learnt that I was no longer in control of this situation because the time had passed. The next natural step for me to take was to forgive myself, but I almost felt even more guilty for thinking that, let alone doing it. I was looking for the approval from the person involved to start my journey of forgiving myself. I wanted to almost justify my forgiveness by getting their consent to start my journey of bettering myself. Logic says that the only thing you can control is how you go about it in the present as opposed to dwelling on something you cant change, but nope. Not for me. Krupa Patel isn’t wired that way. She needs validation in this season called life-so-far. Bloody heck.
So, all I’m trying to say is forgiving yourself is the first step of progression in such situations. If you’ve done something that’s resulted in hurt or betrayal- the worst thing you can do is remain in that same place because essentially the lack of change (or wanting to change) shows lack of remorse really. Showing signs of improvement is the only thing you have in order to rebuild that trust again. Forgiving oneself is probably the most important part of it all- it’s only then that’ll you’ll really be able to be sorry, I can’t stress this enough! Waiting on someone else to forgive you to then forgive yourself seems like a long road to nothingness- there are two different experiences within such an event. In my case, one has portrayed signs of insecurities and the other has been betrayed because of that. Two very different levels of madness- two very different roads of healing.
Forgiving myself is an idea that’s haunted me for ages and now that I’ve been in such a situation, I thought I’d share my experiences with you guys whilst it’s still raw. I’ve always experienced the struggle of self-forgiveness but never acknowledged it however, now that it has been brought to my attention- I thought I’d bring it to yours.
Just would like to add that forgiving yourself doesn’t mean you get over it and walk on like nothing happened. Forgiveness comes with accountability too, only then does it really count. Also, this is my take on it all- just in case you didn’t realise, I would like to add that I am not a prophet or a guru so do not take what I say religiously. Thanks. Gracias. Dhaniavadh.
Hope you guys got something from this whether it be little or lots.
Let me know!
Until next time! Stay awake, stay alert, stay Bindipendent! x